Holiday Newsletters - The One I've Been Waiting For

Dateline: Early last week.....

My husband told me that "The" Holiday Newsletter that I've been waiting for had arrived. I had just come home from work. I was tired, hungry and crabby which is typical for this time of year. Having a retail business ruins the holidays for me.

As I sifted through our pile of cards, my hubby informed me that he hid it and would only show it to me if I was "nice" to him.

" Damn!" I thought to myself. " Nevermind.." I said, feigning ambivalence. There was no way I was ready to be nice. One more week of "Holiday Hell" and I was stressed to the max! I would search for the card later. No way I'm ready to make nice! ( Hey! I never claimed to be a Good Momma!)

How the Holiday Newsletter Contest Started

It all started about this time, seven years ago. We were visiting my brother and sister-in-law in Chicago. They live in an affluent suburb full of image conscience "McMansion" dwellers. I had just finished up with my holiday orders and we drove up for a Christmas visit. As I was catching up with my sister-in-law, she whips out a 5 page Holiday Greeting from a neighbor to show me the " Most Obnoxious Holiday Newsletter " that she had ever received. It was full of boring minutiae and written as a brag-fest of all the fabulous things that happened that year. I skimmed the offending missive and agreed it was the most obnoxious letter that I had seen. Which it was, until we found an even better one waiting for us when we came home .

The card was from a college friend of my husband who lives in California with his family. Written by his "trophy" wife, the letter was a breezy, braggy letter of all the fabulous things that happened that year. It was brilliant! The sort of newsletter that David Sedaris parodies in "Holidays On Ice".

She wrote about her husband's fabulous new job, all the wonderful places they had gone, people who came to visit, .... and then onto the crown jewels- her fabulous children!

"Franklin Jr." was almost one and could already walk & talk in full sentences. Little "Julietta" was a gymnastics whiz, a promising ballerina with a part in a local ballet production, a violin prodigy and performed a duet with mom for her entire school. To a standing ovation, I must add! She had auditioned for some commercials and was shopping around for an agent. And little "Julietta" will be turning 4 years old next month!

Holy shit! My oldest son was the same age. He could pick his nose, got into fights at school and could barely string together a bunch of words to form a sentence. Not the stuff to brag about in newsletters.... or is it?

I faxed a copy of "THE " newsletter to my sister-in-law. I won! She agreed. This was far better than her neighbor's "news". I took a copy of my "winner" to work. We did dramatic readings. I was inspired to learn how to use Microsoft Publisher and write my own "white trash" version of our family's accomplishments.

I began to look forward each year to the next installment and I was not disappointed! Each year "Franklin" had an even more spectacular job, "Julia" in addition to being a "Super Mom", became an accomplished business woman who started her own string of businesses ( Creative Memories, Mary Kay...) and "Julietta" and "Franklin Jr." were even more impressive! That is until last year....
The Day the Brag Fest Stopped! -

Last December, I had come home from work and my husband handed me they daily cache of Holiday Greetings. He eagerly waited and watched as I came to my "favorite" newsletter. It was only one page this time!

Instead of the usual boasting there was a short parable that started with decorating the tree. "Julietta", now almost 10 years old had remarked that it seemed like " it was just yesterday" they had been decorating last year's tree. "Julia" went on to talk about how quickly time passes, children grow-up and they importance of cherishing your family.

I looked up at my husband who was eagerly waiting for my reaction.

" I bet (Franklin) lost his job!" I remarked. My hubby told me I was being an evil witch.

I Was Right... Sort of

We started to send out our cards out in January because I don't have time during Nov. / Dec. to write a newsletter. This past January we decided to send out a Powerpoint presentation on CD.
We had a photo or two for every month with the highlights of what had happened.

One of the biggest changes the past year was that my husband's job was outsourced overseas. He is an engineer. Outsourcing is a common practice with large corporations to save on labor expenses. Rather than take another local job at a substantial pay-cut or move to another state, my hubby decided to take a few years off and be a SAHD ( Stay-At-Home-Dad). No shame in that! We consider ourselves lucky for the opportunity.

Shortly after the cards went out, my SAHD received a phone call from his old friend in California. Turns out "Franklin's" position was cut from the start-up he was working. He was hired back on a temporary, part-time basis and was looking for another position.

"Franklin" wanted my husband to create a start-up company and could line up Venture Capital to fund this. Of course "Franklin" would be the CEO! Unfortunately my SAHD was mildly amused but not interested.

I wonder if this was the reason for the sudden change in newsletter style. Had Julia run out of boasting material? Was there no positive way to spin the past year's events? Is this what happens when you get "Spin Master's Block"?

Dateline: A few days ago .....

I found it!
I knew if I looked hard enough, I could find it. The hell with being nice! There it was, in a drawer with the phone books, a shiny Christmas card with a letter inside. Damn! Only one page and it's another fluff piece of Holiday babble! Not one shred of family "news"!!!!

I wonder if "Franklin" found a new job?

I kind of miss the old newsletters............