Holiday Newsletters - The One I've Been Waiting For

Dateline: Early last week.....

My husband told me that "The" Holiday Newsletter that I've been waiting for had arrived. I had just come home from work. I was tired, hungry and crabby which is typical for this time of year. Having a retail business ruins the holidays for me.

As I sifted through our pile of cards, my hubby informed me that he hid it and would only show it to me if I was "nice" to him.

" Damn!" I thought to myself. " Nevermind.." I said, feigning ambivalence. There was no way I was ready to be nice. One more week of "Holiday Hell" and I was stressed to the max! I would search for the card later. No way I'm ready to make nice! ( Hey! I never claimed to be a Good Momma!)

How the Holiday Newsletter Contest Started

It all started about this time, seven years ago. We were visiting my brother and sister-in-law in Chicago. They live in an affluent suburb full of image conscience "McMansion" dwellers. I had just finished up with my holiday orders and we drove up for a Christmas visit. As I was catching up with my sister-in-law, she whips out a 5 page Holiday Greeting from a neighbor to show me the " Most Obnoxious Holiday Newsletter " that she had ever received. It was full of boring minutiae and written as a brag-fest of all the fabulous things that happened that year. I skimmed the offending missive and agreed it was the most obnoxious letter that I had seen. Which it was, until we found an even better one waiting for us when we came home .

The card was from a college friend of my husband who lives in California with his family. Written by his "trophy" wife, the letter was a breezy, braggy letter of all the fabulous things that happened that year. It was brilliant! The sort of newsletter that David Sedaris parodies in "Holidays On Ice".

She wrote about her husband's fabulous new job, all the wonderful places they had gone, people who came to visit, .... and then onto the crown jewels- her fabulous children!

"Franklin Jr." was almost one and could already walk & talk in full sentences. Little "Julietta" was a gymnastics whiz, a promising ballerina with a part in a local ballet production, a violin prodigy and performed a duet with mom for her entire school. To a standing ovation, I must add! She had auditioned for some commercials and was shopping around for an agent. And little "Julietta" will be turning 4 years old next month!

Holy shit! My oldest son was the same age. He could pick his nose, got into fights at school and could barely string together a bunch of words to form a sentence. Not the stuff to brag about in newsletters.... or is it?

I faxed a copy of "THE " newsletter to my sister-in-law. I won! She agreed. This was far better than her neighbor's "news". I took a copy of my "winner" to work. We did dramatic readings. I was inspired to learn how to use Microsoft Publisher and write my own "white trash" version of our family's accomplishments.

I began to look forward each year to the next installment and I was not disappointed! Each year "Franklin" had an even more spectacular job, "Julia" in addition to being a "Super Mom", became an accomplished business woman who started her own string of businesses ( Creative Memories, Mary Kay...) and "Julietta" and "Franklin Jr." were even more impressive! That is until last year....
The Day the Brag Fest Stopped! -

Last December, I had come home from work and my husband handed me they daily cache of Holiday Greetings. He eagerly waited and watched as I came to my "favorite" newsletter. It was only one page this time!

Instead of the usual boasting there was a short parable that started with decorating the tree. "Julietta", now almost 10 years old had remarked that it seemed like " it was just yesterday" they had been decorating last year's tree. "Julia" went on to talk about how quickly time passes, children grow-up and they importance of cherishing your family.

I looked up at my husband who was eagerly waiting for my reaction.

" I bet (Franklin) lost his job!" I remarked. My hubby told me I was being an evil witch.

I Was Right... Sort of

We started to send out our cards out in January because I don't have time during Nov. / Dec. to write a newsletter. This past January we decided to send out a Powerpoint presentation on CD.
We had a photo or two for every month with the highlights of what had happened.

One of the biggest changes the past year was that my husband's job was outsourced overseas. He is an engineer. Outsourcing is a common practice with large corporations to save on labor expenses. Rather than take another local job at a substantial pay-cut or move to another state, my hubby decided to take a few years off and be a SAHD ( Stay-At-Home-Dad). No shame in that! We consider ourselves lucky for the opportunity.

Shortly after the cards went out, my SAHD received a phone call from his old friend in California. Turns out "Franklin's" position was cut from the start-up he was working. He was hired back on a temporary, part-time basis and was looking for another position.

"Franklin" wanted my husband to create a start-up company and could line up Venture Capital to fund this. Of course "Franklin" would be the CEO! Unfortunately my SAHD was mildly amused but not interested.

I wonder if this was the reason for the sudden change in newsletter style. Had Julia run out of boasting material? Was there no positive way to spin the past year's events? Is this what happens when you get "Spin Master's Block"?

Dateline: A few days ago .....

I found it!
I knew if I looked hard enough, I could find it. The hell with being nice! There it was, in a drawer with the phone books, a shiny Christmas card with a letter inside. Damn! Only one page and it's another fluff piece of Holiday babble! Not one shred of family "news"!!!!

I wonder if "Franklin" found a new job?

I kind of miss the old newsletters............

Food Safety????

The other day, I went through a fast-food drive-thru to get some soup for dinner. I noticed that the cashier was wearing plastic gloves. The kind you wear for handling food. He was doing double duty, filling orders and ringing up customers.

This always freaks me out, knowing that the gloved hands that are touching my food are also handling money!!!!! Don't these idiots know that money is dirty and can spread viruses such as hepatitis? What the hell do they think the gloves are for???

While I'm sure my soup was o.k., I did not eat the hunk of bread that was put in my bag.

Ice cream shops put wrappers around cones to protect them but the teenage workers will put the cone with an unprotected bottom on the counter. The same counter that money is put down on. I usually get my frozen treats in cups or try to grab the cone before it hits the counter.

I see this sort of thing all the time. Once in while I say something but I know I am wasting my breath.........

The Bitter Hypocrite

A few weeks ago, my friend David called to tell me about his latest food discovery. He prefaced his tale with..." I know how you feel about "pink" products.......". He then went on to tell me about Panera Bread's "Breast Cancer Bagel". It is a ribbon shaped bagel with bits of dried cherries, cranberries, brown sugar chucks, honey & vanilla. This was his new favorite treat.

I felt like the gauntlet had been thrown down. I now had to try this new treat to see for myself if it really was " all that"!

Damn him!!!! I now am hooked. After my second trip back to Panera and subsequent confession to my friend, he informed me that this bagel is only available for a short time.

Why do businesses do this??? Bring in a new item, have it become wildly popular and then take it off the market. How is this "good business"? Why not give the people what they want, when they want, all year long?

I'll show them! I've been back a few more times and am starting to get sick of this dessert-like bagel. Hey, wait a minute..... I bought into their scheme, didn't I? I never would have eaten so many of these bagels in such a short period of time if I could always get them.

Color me pink with embarrasement!

Gas Pains

I am sick of yo-yoing gas prices!

This past Monday night my husband told me that the best gas prices near our house were at a station about three miles away for $2.59 a gallon. I filed that in the back of my mind.

Tuesday morning I needed to go to Sam's Club, where the nearby gas stations are usually among the lowest $ per gallon. Before I left, my friend David called to warn me that there was yet another oil crisis on the news and gas prices were set to sky-rocket once again. Whatever.... After awhile you get de-sensitized to all the oil "crisises" !

As I passed my two favorite gas stations, I noticed their prices were only a penny apart at $2.649 & $ 2.659. I opted to spend 15 - 20 cents extra to fill up at the station that was on the more convenient side of the road. I first went to Sam's and 30 minutes later stopped to fill up.
As I was pumping my gas I looked up at the large sign that advertised the prices to passing motorists.

What the...????!!! The price per gallon had just gone up 24 cents! Fortunately the pumps were still at the lower price. Whew... For a moment I felt lucky.

Last night, one day later, the price went down 10 cents. Why???

How the hell do gas stations set their prices? I am sceptical that it is entirely based on their costs. I am beginning to feel that this is a sick, twisted game that is being played with consumers. This is one game that is not fun and that I rather not play!!!

What's Your Hang-Up?

My Hang-Up is Hang-Ups! The kind that happen when you are in the middle of a task, run to pick up a ringing phone and the caller hangs up when you answer! This usually happens when I am in the middle of a task; like up on a ladder, finishing up another phone call and trying to hurry before voicemail kicks in, or at the furthest point from a working telephone.

I pick up, sweating from my sudden burst of actvity and breathlessly answer..... to which I am rewarded with silence followed by the click of a HANG-UP!

I then look at caller ID and see that the call was either from a toll-free number or unknown.
After several calls a day for about a week from the same number, I Googled it to see if I could learn who it was from. The only thing I found were several other people with the same complaint about this number and one person who called the number and got a fax machine.

What purpose does this serve? Other than pissing a bunch of people off, I don't get it!

Usually these kinds of calls come from phone banks that dial several numbers at the same time, talks to the first number that answers and hangs up on the rest. The tell tale signs of this type of caller are that it is from a toll-free or unknown source and there is a long pause between your answer and the caller's "Hello".

When I get a call like this, I like to wait through the pause and hang-up at the point the intruder says " Hello?. Not very mature or business-like but very satisfying!

Color Me Bitter - Part 2

The night before I started this blog,I saw a great segment on the evening news about thinking before you buy pink products. The report mentioned that many companies that sell"Pink" products to help raise money for Breast Cancer charities, have a cut-off $ amount listed in their fine print.
One example was the Yoplait lid campaign. Yoplait donates 10 cents for each lid mailed in up to 1.5 million dollars. I wonder how much it costs to mail those lids? Wouldn't it be more cost effective to just send your money directly to the organization? What type of tax write-off does Yoplait get? Why cap it at $1.5 million dollars? Is the product marked up to mark down? Eureka which gives $1 for every $200 purchase, has a cap of $250,000. American Express donates 1 penny per transaction which I would imagine comes from the retailers that accept their card.

http://www.thinkbeforeyoupink.org/ This website was mentioned as a source to check out before you "Buy Pink".

I feel better about being sceptical about companies motives for "going pink" after seeing this report. I am also happy that the Think Before You Pink website is a product of Breast Cancer Action http://bcaction.org/.

My favorite quote on the on their website is "If shopping could cure breast cancer it would be cured by now."

I think Breast Cancer Research is a worthy cause to donate to. It just irks me to see so many companies jumping on the bandwagon and using this disease as a public relations tactic.

Color Me Bitter

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month and quite frankly, I am getting sick of the color pink! Everywhere I go. The grocery store, school, the office supply store, my junk mail all remind me about Breast Cancer.
I have to admit all the pep-rallies, fund-raisers and awareness campaigns pour salt into my wounded heart. I guess I am jealous of how much attention this form of cancer receives.

Why I am Bitter

Cancer affects virtually all families. Mine is no exception. My grandmother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer 30 years ago, after finding a small lump in one of her breasts. She had a mastectomy and lived well into her 80's outliving her husband and her daughter (my mom). Grandpa died of heart disease and Mom had ovarian cancer. My grandmother died with Alzheimer's , a few years after my mother passed away. Mom was only 58 years old. It was emotionally draining to visit Grandma after Mom died. It was difficult enough to explain who I was, I also had to explain why her daughter wasn't visiting anymore.

My parents were both diagnosed with cancer within months of each other. Dad found out that he had Multiple-Myloma and probably had at best 5-10 years left to live.

Mom threw herself into gardening to relieve the stress of his bad news. She then started to have neck pains. She tried everything to relieve the pain. Physical Therapy, Massage, visits to a chiropractor, wearing a neck brace and sleeping on the floor. Nothing worked. She finally had X-Rays which revealed metastatic cancer in her bones. After much testing the source was believed to be ovarian. Mom was put into treatment right away and barely made it out of the hospital in time for Thanksgiving.

I have bittersweet memories of Thanksgiving of 1992. Wearing a bad wig and too weak to host dinner, Mom requested to go to a restaurant. I remember being glad that our family was together and that Mom was able to get out just in the nick of time. I was disheartened at how weak and frail she was. Later that weekend we took what would be the last group photo of our family, together in my parent's living room. I have this framed picture on my bedroom dresser.

After a fighting a brave battle, Mom lasted a mere 6 months and died in May of '93. Dad died in May of '98.

May also is the month Race For the Cure is held in my city. I remember one year trying to put on a happy face while decorating a store in pink to help promote Race for the Cure for Breast Cancer. As I was hanging some pink trim in a window, I stopped to talk with a Race volunteer decked out in pink.

Turns out that this woman was battling Ovarian cancer and temporarily keeping it at bay. I wanted to ask this brave soul if she was helping with Race for the Cure because there are no races for Ovarian Cancer.I couldn't help but think of my parents and wonder. Is all the attention and money given to Breast Cancer taking away from other forms of cancer???

How nice to have a race for a CURE, while Ovarian cancer doesn't even have a TEST!
Shortly after my mother's death, I mentioned to my former OB-Gyn doctor that I wanted to be pro-active and get screened for Ovarian cancer on a yearly basis. From research, I knew that blood tests were unreliable and thought that ultra-sounds might be good.
He told me that by the time something would show up on an ultra-sound, it would be too late. In other words, a diagnosis of Ovarian cancer is pretty much a death sentence! I ended up switching doctors and now get yearly pelvic ultra-sounds as well as mammograms.
This past year, my family practice doctor suggested that I might want to have prophylactic surgery to reduce the risk of Ovarian and Breast Cancer. I told him that I would rather not take out body parts on the off-chance they might become cancerous.

While a cure for Ovarian would be nice, right now I'd settle for a reliable screening or test!